I woke up today feeling really sad. I had a dream that ended with my mother and I hugging each other tightly, and I realized I have not hugged my mother in such a long time. It made me tear up and miss so many people like my mom and my grandma and made me wonder what the heck I am doing here. It’s a brutal feeling and just stinks really. I can feel myself pulling towards retail therapy just to buy items of comfort. This may not be such a bad idea though. What have I got to lose? I have been trying to fiddle around with my schedule for the next couple weeks. I put in to not work on Easter, but I don’t know if I got it or not. They pay you double for that day, which when I think about it is sad. They bribe you to take away the meaning of such an important day and the worst part is, it’s actually tempting. I am not falling for it though. I want that day to stay religious. At least I am not alone here. I feel the presence of God and the angels, only this time, I believe my grandma is one of them.
I bought some Choco Mimi manga yesterday to get my mind working and creativity flowing. It’s getting to the point where it’s time to decide who my characters are. I want to draw from my cats. They are so special and so beautiful. I just want to honor them. I want to honor my grandma too. Maybe I could make a doll named Marjorie – a beautiful doll made to honor my grandma and her life. She was such an artist. I really am proud of the quirks I picked up from her and am proud of who she was. Her life should live on in a creative way. I feel like she and God are speaking to me with this.
Tomorrow is mine and Eric’s official two year anniversary. I want to do something to celebrate. Hopefully the two of us with have the chance to at least Skype. It’s 11:00am and I need to leave in about an hour for a work training class. It shouldn’t be too bad. I am bringing my journal with me just in case my quiet place appears. I want to be prepared. I don’t want to stop writing but I need to get ready. That’s the trouble with wants and needs. They aren’t often the same thing. I strive for a life where they are.
The bus broke down on my way home, so I am sitting in the sun thinking of Gooba and feeling very blessed, but very sad too. It doesn’t help that I am listening to “Gone to Soon.” Sometimes it’s important to feel these feelings though. I think Gooba dying is the closest feeling I know to having a child die. Usually it’s the people above you who pass. Not to say she was below me by any means, but I did provide for her rather than the other way around – like a parent would. I want to honor her every day.
The number of people who smoke here is pathetic. To think of these young, educated people making such a poor decision is disgusting. I am sick of smelling their addiction. It’s gross.
My family will finally be here in less than three weeks. I am really excited about it and just want to start packing myself. I am not sure where I want to go tonight. Maybe Starbucks or Downtown Disney. Either way I need to go home first. I haven’t been eating enough these past few days, and I keep ignoring my hunger and not taking it seriously. I think it’s because I am trying to save money and not all of my hunger strikes while I am home and have food to make or heat up. It’s a discipline I am still adapting to I guess.
Oh, being home and doing my own thing is so nice. I have been watching The Golden Girls, reading Choco Mimi, and making lists for when the family comes. I’m going to try and figure out what the best thing to do tonight would be. Either way, it’ll be something fun and artistic. That and gaming might be involved. Better get started.
Michael Jackson’s “Gone Too Soon”